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| My latest addition to my blog poetry.
As transparent as I am, I might as well confess that yes it is about a boy and inspired by recent events.
I would appreciate no question asking about it. This pretty much speaks for itself.
And yes perhaps this sounds a little over-romanticised, but it's for the sake of poetry. :)
You are a find for me,
An amazing discovery,
I'm grateful that we have met;
The sparks that flew,
Between me and you,
Will be truly hard to forget.
A gentleman you see,
Is a rare commodity,
It is of rare make, very few;
No gem in this world,
Not diamonds nor pearls,
Could really match the value.
Good impressions cannot be bought,
Or even learned or taught,
Nor can they be acquired;
The traits you possess,
I have to confess,
Are ones I didn't know I desired.
With our paths intertwined,
A meeting of this kind,
Doesn't seem like coincidence or chance;
Something had triggered,
Both you and I figured,
That day when you asked me to dance.
The occasional lack of expression,
At times made me question,
What you were thinking, what you meant, how you feel;
With everything we shared,
In this sudden love affair,
I'm left to ponder if you were for real.
The sweet gestures and words,
That were displayed and heard,
Will be images replayed in my head;
With no time to discover,
I'm merely left to wonder,
If you meant everything that you said.
But as we agreed,
We have our lives to lead,
And goals that need be fulfilled;
Maybe in the future somehow,
We're just not meant for now,
And we'll just have to wait until.
Perhaps in a way,
The fact you can't stay,
Avoids broken hearts that might need a mend,
As we cannot yet see,
If we are meant to be,
I'm just thankful to have gained a friend.
We don't know when,
We might see each other again,
Or how long we might need to wait,
But if destiny has been so kind,
To allow us to meet this time,
Then perhaps I'll have more faith in fate.
The many similarities,
Makes it truly uncanny,
And ironically makes you one of a kind,
Whoever knew,
That I would meet you,
You're an inspiration, an epiphany,.. My find.
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| There were quite a few things that were stressing me out... and although I am not at liberty to discuss them in specifics (seeing that I've been caught by surprise at who reads my blog)... I am slowly, but surely, taking care of business.
I was just tired. Tired from having to deal with all the titles that people put on me; daughter, employee, family member, etc etc. Although we multitask in these roles everyday; lately there has been MORE expected of me in being these everyday things. I had to be extra-giving, more understanding and super hardworking.. and although there are times when we DO practice giving MORE of ourselves, even without being asked; it is hard when EVERYONE expects you to give more to EVERYONE at the SAME TIME. I really felt like the recent expectations put on me really took a toll on my system; mainly because I gave so much to the various roles I played I had none of ME left for ME.
This all sounds very philosophical and rhetorical and metaphorical in a dramatic kind of way; but as I can't discuss the specifics so as not to hurt anyone - that's the best I can describe what I was going thru.
I feel like I'm the kind of person that knows not how to love sparingly; when I love, I love infinitely, and unconditionally. When I think about it; I can't help but deduce that
"I must be able to love this way BECAUSE I have BEEN loved this way."
So I am lucky; I'm a very very lucky girl. But lately, it's like everyone has been trying to milk me for every last ounce of love and understanding I have. And I'm only human and I felt the weight of the expectation. I really feel like I was expected to understand and feel sorry for and towards OTHERS and no one was listening to ME and my side of it; No one was sorry towards ME about how I was hurt, and neither was anyone sympathetic about what I wanted in relation to what they expected of ME or how they made ME feel. I felt like I was always being cast aside as a 2nd-class citizen whose opinion was less important. I could cry on the shoulders of others but those involved didn't want to do anything to make me feel better - and those not involved couldn't.
I feel like I'm always expected to do the right thing - but the 'apparent' right thing makes everyone except ME happy. Is that then, still the right thing?
I haven't actually eliminated the issues that were upsetting me; I have just managed to turn the volume down on the noise. The problem with me is I seem to portray that I don't mind the expectation; so it gets piled on to me. I don't want to be over needed; which is not the same as over-loved. Over needed is just when people expect things of you but don't appreciate you for it. I don't think I had EVER felt so under appreciated in my life; and so that was mainly what was depressing me.
I kind of realise that I am the glue that keeps alot of things together. But do we ever notice the glue? No, cos it's stuck in between the two things it's sticking together. We NEED glue, and there are times that we need glue and don't have any; and only THEN will realise how important glue is. There are alternatives to sticky substances, but nothing like old faithful good ol' fashioned glue. I am glue. The unglamorous, taken for granted glue.
One by one I started dealing with the things that were bothering me; right up till the very last problem I had, which was making me MOST miserable. Doing something you KNOW you're good at yet not getting respect for, is NOT a good feeling. NOT getting respect for it is one thing... getting DISrespected for it despite being good at it is a whole new low.
Another hard thing to deal with is the fact that in some cases when you're feeling low; the price for getting out of it is to actually go JUST a little lower. Rather than STAY in your state of misery, sometimes it's better to bite the bullet and get it the fuck over with. MAKING that decision to lower your self MORE when you're already so low is so hard - especially cos you KNOW it won't be easy and that it WILL be damaging; but while some injuries are going to be scars forever, at least they didn't cost me my life.
Whoever knew, that loving others could take a toll. Luckily, I did get just enough love poured out in my direction to make it thru. Slowly, I'm getting ME back. And starting to feel happy again. Thank you to those who were there; I made it to shore after all :) | | |
| I'm not tempted with drugs or alcohol.. not my thing. But I have suddenly been hit with the understanding of how people can get so stressed that they resort to some form of release. I know there are people who could hardly categorise themselves as stressed and resort to drugs and alcohol in a un-justified manner (just cos they're pottheads who wanna do drugs la basically).... but as the big "anti-smoking advocate never puffed a bud in my life" kinda goodie goodie I am... I suddenly feel like... I understand. I feel like it's a really dark side of myself to somehow understand the need for a substance to make you feel better. To wish something could cancel out the stress because it seems like it doesn't wanna go away on its own no matter what you do.
I am SO miserable and stressed right now I kinda feel like I WANT a bottle of wine to knock me out so I can get some sleep.
Thing is,... I have a sip or two when I go out clubbing yeah.. but I don't get drunk easily. A little high maybe. But not drunk... I have good Indian blood tolerance for alcohol.
So here comes the confession.. I was actually SO miserable recently about 2 weeks ago that I forced myself to get drunk. Vodka,...lots of it. Any moment where I felt some form of sobriety coming on I quickly downed more alcohol. So I DID pass out. WOW. Next day,.. woke up with a hangover for the FIRST time in my life
(Side story: I have only been drunk ONE other time in my life and that was just for the fun of it. That was also in the safety of my own home where I still had the sense to brush my teeth and gargle moutwash before going to sleep)
..... and because I've also lost my appetite for the last... oh I dunno... 2 months or so.. went straight to work after waking up the next morning. Had some milo at some point... but only had a meal at about 7pm. And I had that meal because I was passing thru a Burger King drive thru and I cud rush thru a burger and continue working. Alcohol and burger king... what an awesome day that was.
Furthermore I don't think the 'alcohol to make you feel better' thing worked very well because the next day I was upset with tainting myself with getting drunk. I know all you as my friends are going to say none of you judge me for it... and altho that's sweet it's really not about the opinion of others. I'm not the kind of person to get drunk... what more force it on myself... and I just don't like realising that I'm SO miserable that I made myself do that.
I feel like... I'm realising things about how horribly harsh this world is... or at least MY world is. We fight with people we love... it's normal. But to me, when a moment for conflict resolution presents itself... all I wanna do is RESOLVE. I love unconditionally... THAT is how I love. If I love you... it doesn't matter what the fight is about because I rather have you in my life than not have you.
At various supposed opportunities for conflict resolution in my life.. I let my guard down but end up being pounded to to a pulp on the ground feeling absolutely worthless... and only when THAT process has taken place and ONLY then... does the other party suddenly decide 'OKAY let's resolve.' WOW... I feel like shit and have bawled my eyes out to the point that I'm dehydrated.... but YOU finally decide that 'OKAY we can get over this.' AFTER making me feel like shit. Gee thanks. I feel so loved.
I officiallly chuck myself into the damaged goods pile. I feel suddenly so ANGRY at all those who have damaged me. I LIKED having faith in the world... I LIKED thinking that future experiences could be better than past ones. But all of these assumptions have been broken and taken from me. DAMN YOU those who damaged me. damn all of you.
I also don't understand why I'm not eating. I don't want food. I forget when meal times are... I just get to points of "Oh my, I haven't eaten anything since (blank)" and decide to consume something to avoid gastritis. I also don't know how I can be so tired but be incapable of sleeping through the night. It's not fun.
I'm not ME. My best friend told me recently... that she misses me. Not because she hasn't seen me... just because.. I haven't been ME. I'm losing the happy-Azzy I was,.. or I feel like she's being shooed away. And this state of misery I'm in is so bad that I'm actually not sure this time... if she's coming back.
I'm referring to my former happy-self as 'she.' I really am losing my mind.
I've been through hard times before, sure. And friends were there for me and rescued me. I feel like calling for my friends to rescue me again... but I feel like what's the point. I don't feel like anyone can save me. I feel like there is a small glimmer of hope that I could save myself... but it kinda looks like at this point that misery and stress is flooding me at a pace where I can't even come up for air. I feel like I could TRY to save me, but I know it's not likely. I'm swimming against the current. And right now I'm still splashing and paddling furiously... I haven't drowned yet.... but I fear the likelihood that I'm going to.
It doesn't stop. The stress doesn't stop. I wish I could kick it away.... but it's stronger than me.
I know I'm being vague... I'm saying I'm miserable but not what about. Work, can't talk about it. Men, better not talk about it. So I'm just gonna tell you that I AM miserable, and if I get the chance to come up for air I'll try to tell you what about. Or hopefully, if I make it to shore I'll be grateful that it's over and won't need to talk about it.
Mentally and emotionally... I am swimming furiously. Please pray for me that I keep the strength up to save myself, and that I make it to shore.
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| So,
Apparently the general consensus is that people rather KNOW what I want for my birthday rather than go gift-hunting.... so I'm going to be very thick-skin about this and post up my wishlist on my blog. It's a bit late seeing that my birthday was yesterday,... but party is only in 2 days so perhaps this list might come in handy to those who requested to see it.
Thing is, I wanted to do it in a discreet way and only let a selected group of friends see the list by password protecting it on Nicole's blog,... but seeing that I have about 5 minutes left to finish this post before I need to go run around on a merchandise pickup for a shoot tomorrow,... I really don't have time for discreet. I know this is very tak-tahu-malu asking for stuff... but yeah, I've been getting alot of requests to just TELL my friends what I want and this wishlist is apparently saving my friends the trouble of wondering and shopping aimlessly and this is somehow a good idea.
If you get me or have already gotten me something NOT on the list no matter how big or small... I PROMISE I'll love it! Whether it be your free toy from your box of cereal, a 2-finger bar of Kitkat from 7-11, a 'one free hug' coupon you drew out yourself, a card you designed on photoshop and printed out yourself, or a woven thread bracelet you made yourself,... I'd love anything. My friends are worth the world to me. :) Obviously, showing up at my birthday party this weekend is present enough, you really don't have to get me anything and I'll be happy with a hug, a kiss, a photo and a dance. For real. :)
But anyway... I'll just get down to this. So... here's my.. urm.. list. Once again, please excuse the thick-skin-ness.
- Vouchers: Manicure/Pedicure, massage, facials, hairspas, strip spas, spa-ish stuff la basically
- Cash vouchers: Forever21, Charles & Keith/ Pedro, bookstore, or departmental store vouchers Metrojaya, Parkson, etc
- 1-piece swimsuit (no need the ones with the side cut outs, just a basic one)
- Car USB-MP3 player (the type you plug into the lighter)
- Chunky rings (like the ones from Diva, my finger size is M)
- Board game sets; Cluedo or Partini (or ANY cool ones really like Pictionary or Balderdash; I only have Taboo, Monopoly and Scrabble. I love board games in general! :) )
- Godiva chocolate / chocolate biscuits
If there's something 'specific' anyone might've had in mind to get me; I'm a dress/blouse size M, bottoms L, dress size 8 or 10. Shoe size generally 6.5 - 7.
OR I guess you guys could get me a Louis Vuitton bag, an Ipod video, a return plane ticket to Paris, a BCBGMaxazria dress,... HAHAHHAAH! Kidding. Sorry, couldn't resist! (I'm trying to cover up the thick-skinness, can you tell?:P)
Once again... I've never done this before. EXCUSE the thick-skinness of ASKING for stuff. Chao.
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| I can ask you out, yeah, I can play the chase,
As long as we take turns in running this race,I can wear the pants, but I prefer to rock a dress, So if you make the move, I will be impressed,I like looking after, but I don't want a baby, I still want a man who treat me like the lady.I don't wannabe told I'm a fine lookin honey, I rather a gentlemen who says I'm smart and funny,Don't attempt smooth talk, it's really not slick,Don't flaunt money, you'd just make me sick,Show me you have brains, make me laugh instead,Prove you got something going on in your head. I want someone who'll cook with me in the kitchen, Not watch TV while I make pasta and chicken, If I cook the meal, then you can serve the drinks, Then you can do the dishes, and I'll wipe up the sink, I'll pay for the movies if you pay for the meal, Or we could buy a DVD if that's more ideal, As long as we agree to play equal parts, Equal work, equal sorrys, equal mind, equal hearts.Don't like labels, don't need to see bling, I don't give a damn about material things,It doesn't even matter what car you drive, I only care about your outlook on life, What's the point of being rich if you're mood is always crappy, I rather be with a broke ass fool who's happy. It ain't about what you make or the clothes that you wear, You could wear Padini for all I care,It's the man under the clothes that I wanna know,Can you stand up tall, can you hold your own?Do you have it in you to fight temptation,..In return for my loyalty and admiration?I hope for a love sparking inspiration breakthrough,Like Destiny's Child sings just let me cater to you, I wanna spoil my man and and not be afraid,For public affection to be put on display,So I can let my guard down and feel free to be silly,To be allowed moments where I'm just plain girlie,And to be reassured you'll still love me for me, Including the verbal diarrhoea and big booty.I don't need perfect, there is no joy in perfection, A real man of the world would be my selection,Whether a broke student, or a business risk taker,Or work an office job, or an indie music maker,It just matters that you're secure and know who you are,And whatever you do, you to aspire to go far,Balance quality time and still give enough space,And if we're lucky all the pieces will fall into place. I would tell the world, I'd shout it out to the globe,So I got no patience for 'dem commitment-phobes, I don't quota affection, I give absolutely all of, Like Beyonce who sings Dangerously In Love, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I cannot love discreetly,'Cos when I choose to love, I love so completely.
Ever since I turned single... In all my singleness..... I realise that I have gone thru different phases. I have gone thru ---
feeling fed-up with boys, -
to (unknowingly and so un-purposely) being on the rebound, -
realising I was IN the rebound phase and simultaneously realising I didn't know it,
and of course... being happy I got out of the rebound phase without doing anything stupid!.
I've also felt different emotions as far as womanly self esteem goes;
from lonely,
to hopeful...
to feeling flattered because of attention....
to feeling insulted like I was a piece of meat.
So at this point,.... it was almost like I was hit with an epiphany... that I just need to NOT THINK. I'm only human and therefore thoughts will have a mind of their own and wander (as thoughts do),...but for now, I am happy, healthy, safe and loved in the company of friends. One of the wisest realisations I've made as a single girl is that boys with zero boyfriend potential can still make excellent friends. :) Furthermore, good things are happening in other aspects of my life,.. and I have plenty a productive distraction to think about without having to wonder about possibilities and fantasize situations of my next exciting love affair.
Having said that however,.. in between these phases, I somehow felt a spark of inspiration to write this poem. I guess my thoughts did wander,..- like I said, I can't help it. :)
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