| | I'm not tempted with drugs or alcohol.. not my thing. But I have suddenly been hit with the understanding of how people can get so stressed that they resort to some form of release. I know there are people who could hardly categorise themselves as stressed and resort to drugs and alcohol in a un-justified manner (just cos they're pottheads who wanna do drugs la basically).... but as the big "anti-smoking advocate never puffed a bud in my life" kinda goodie goodie I am... I suddenly feel like... I understand. I feel like it's a really dark side of myself to somehow understand the need for a substance to make you feel better. To wish something could cancel out the stress because it seems like it doesn't wanna go away on its own no matter what you do.
I am SO miserable and stressed right now I kinda feel like I WANT a bottle of wine to knock me out so I can get some sleep.
Thing is,... I have a sip or two when I go out clubbing yeah.. but I don't get drunk easily. A little high maybe. But not drunk... I have good Indian blood tolerance for alcohol.
So here comes the confession.. I was actually SO miserable recently about 2 weeks ago that I forced myself to get drunk. Vodka,...lots of it. Any moment where I felt some form of sobriety coming on I quickly downed more alcohol. So I DID pass out. WOW. Next day,.. woke up with a hangover for the FIRST time in my life
(Side story: I have only been drunk ONE other time in my life and that was just for the fun of it. That was also in the safety of my own home where I still had the sense to brush my teeth and gargle moutwash before going to sleep)
..... and because I've also lost my appetite for the last... oh I dunno... 2 months or so.. went straight to work after waking up the next morning. Had some milo at some point... but only had a meal at about 7pm. And I had that meal because I was passing thru a Burger King drive thru and I cud rush thru a burger and continue working. Alcohol and burger king... what an awesome day that was.
Furthermore I don't think the 'alcohol to make you feel better' thing worked very well because the next day I was upset with tainting myself with getting drunk. I know all you as my friends are going to say none of you judge me for it... and altho that's sweet it's really not about the opinion of others. I'm not the kind of person to get drunk... what more force it on myself... and I just don't like realising that I'm SO miserable that I made myself do that.
I feel like... I'm realising things about how horribly harsh this world is... or at least MY world is. We fight with people we love... it's normal. But to me, when a moment for conflict resolution presents itself... all I wanna do is RESOLVE. I love unconditionally... THAT is how I love. If I love you... it doesn't matter what the fight is about because I rather have you in my life than not have you.
At various supposed opportunities for conflict resolution in my life.. I let my guard down but end up being pounded to to a pulp on the ground feeling absolutely worthless... and only when THAT process has taken place and ONLY then... does the other party suddenly decide 'OKAY let's resolve.' WOW... I feel like shit and have bawled my eyes out to the point that I'm dehydrated.... but YOU finally decide that 'OKAY we can get over this.' AFTER making me feel like shit. Gee thanks. I feel so loved.
I officiallly chuck myself into the damaged goods pile. I feel suddenly so ANGRY at all those who have damaged me. I LIKED having faith in the world... I LIKED thinking that future experiences could be better than past ones. But all of these assumptions have been broken and taken from me. DAMN YOU those who damaged me. damn all of you.
I also don't understand why I'm not eating. I don't want food. I forget when meal times are... I just get to points of "Oh my, I haven't eaten anything since (blank)" and decide to consume something to avoid gastritis. I also don't know how I can be so tired but be incapable of sleeping through the night. It's not fun.
I'm not ME. My best friend told me recently... that she misses me. Not because she hasn't seen me... just because.. I haven't been ME. I'm losing the happy-Azzy I was,.. or I feel like she's being shooed away. And this state of misery I'm in is so bad that I'm actually not sure this time... if she's coming back.
I'm referring to my former happy-self as 'she.' I really am losing my mind.
I've been through hard times before, sure. And friends were there for me and rescued me. I feel like calling for my friends to rescue me again... but I feel like what's the point. I don't feel like anyone can save me. I feel like there is a small glimmer of hope that I could save myself... but it kinda looks like at this point that misery and stress is flooding me at a pace where I can't even come up for air. I feel like I could TRY to save me, but I know it's not likely. I'm swimming against the current. And right now I'm still splashing and paddling furiously... I haven't drowned yet.... but I fear the likelihood that I'm going to.
It doesn't stop. The stress doesn't stop. I wish I could kick it away.... but it's stronger than me.
I know I'm being vague... I'm saying I'm miserable but not what about. Work, can't talk about it. Men, better not talk about it. So I'm just gonna tell you that I AM miserable, and if I get the chance to come up for air I'll try to tell you what about. Or hopefully, if I make it to shore I'll be grateful that it's over and won't need to talk about it.
Mentally and emotionally... I am swimming furiously. Please pray for me that I keep the strength up to save myself, and that I make it to shore.
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| | Posted 6/1/2009 12:57 AM - 10 Views - 0 eProps - 1 Comment
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