| | There were quite a few things that were stressing me out... and although I am not at liberty to discuss them in specifics (seeing that I've been caught by surprise at who reads my blog)... I am slowly, but surely, taking care of business.
I was just tired. Tired from having to deal with all the titles that people put on me; daughter, employee, family member, etc etc. Although we multitask in these roles everyday; lately there has been MORE expected of me in being these everyday things. I had to be extra-giving, more understanding and super hardworking.. and although there are times when we DO practice giving MORE of ourselves, even without being asked; it is hard when EVERYONE expects you to give more to EVERYONE at the SAME TIME. I really felt like the recent expectations put on me really took a toll on my system; mainly because I gave so much to the various roles I played I had none of ME left for ME.
This all sounds very philosophical and rhetorical and metaphorical in a dramatic kind of way; but as I can't discuss the specifics so as not to hurt anyone - that's the best I can describe what I was going thru.
I feel like I'm the kind of person that knows not how to love sparingly; when I love, I love infinitely, and unconditionally. When I think about it; I can't help but deduce that
"I must be able to love this way BECAUSE I have BEEN loved this way."
So I am lucky; I'm a very very lucky girl. But lately, it's like everyone has been trying to milk me for every last ounce of love and understanding I have. And I'm only human and I felt the weight of the expectation. I really feel like I was expected to understand and feel sorry for and towards OTHERS and no one was listening to ME and my side of it; No one was sorry towards ME about how I was hurt, and neither was anyone sympathetic about what I wanted in relation to what they expected of ME or how they made ME feel. I felt like I was always being cast aside as a 2nd-class citizen whose opinion was less important. I could cry on the shoulders of others but those involved didn't want to do anything to make me feel better - and those not involved couldn't.
I feel like I'm always expected to do the right thing - but the 'apparent' right thing makes everyone except ME happy. Is that then, still the right thing?
I haven't actually eliminated the issues that were upsetting me; I have just managed to turn the volume down on the noise. The problem with me is I seem to portray that I don't mind the expectation; so it gets piled on to me. I don't want to be over needed; which is not the same as over-loved. Over needed is just when people expect things of you but don't appreciate you for it. I don't think I had EVER felt so under appreciated in my life; and so that was mainly what was depressing me.
I kind of realise that I am the glue that keeps alot of things together. But do we ever notice the glue? No, cos it's stuck in between the two things it's sticking together. We NEED glue, and there are times that we need glue and don't have any; and only THEN will realise how important glue is. There are alternatives to sticky substances, but nothing like old faithful good ol' fashioned glue. I am glue. The unglamorous, taken for granted glue.
One by one I started dealing with the things that were bothering me; right up till the very last problem I had, which was making me MOST miserable. Doing something you KNOW you're good at yet not getting respect for, is NOT a good feeling. NOT getting respect for it is one thing... getting DISrespected for it despite being good at it is a whole new low.
Another hard thing to deal with is the fact that in some cases when you're feeling low; the price for getting out of it is to actually go JUST a little lower. Rather than STAY in your state of misery, sometimes it's better to bite the bullet and get it the fuck over with. MAKING that decision to lower your self MORE when you're already so low is so hard - especially cos you KNOW it won't be easy and that it WILL be damaging; but while some injuries are going to be scars forever, at least they didn't cost me my life.
Whoever knew, that loving others could take a toll. Luckily, I did get just enough love poured out in my direction to make it thru. Slowly, I'm getting ME back. And starting to feel happy again. Thank you to those who were there; I made it to shore after all :) |
| | Posted 6/8/2009 7:25 PM - 21 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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